


Gender Studies

by whizzer



Category: Ghostbusters (Movies 1984-1989)
Genre: Canon Autistic Character, Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Transphobia, follows my last fic uwu, i really love these special boys, its very very brief though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 20:50:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whizzer/pseuds/whizzer
Summary: Egon has felt discomfort his whole life, but he learned to ignore it until now.





	Gender Studies

He knew Ray loved him. He knew Ray would always love him. He had told him numerous times before, that he couldn't possibly stop loving him. But right now, as Egon paced their empty bedroom, staring at the door that led to the living room where Ray was watching old cartoons, he felt unsure for the first time. He never liked to doubt Ray and a part of him knew he was being somewhat irrational. But in the last few days, a lot of feelings had been catching up to him and, in layman's terms, scared the living hell out of him. 

It wasn't like Egon didn't know these feelings, though. All throughout his teenage years, he felt... Disconnected from himself. He saw himself in the mirror and wondered why he felt so off. He couldn't see himself as the "strong, young man" his mother would always call him. He didn't want to be called that at all. Man wasn't exactly the right term, but what was? It confused Egon, and Egon hated being confused. It frustrated him so deeply that he had done everything that he could to stop thinking about himself, to stop thinking about his odd thoughts, and to deal with what he was told. He dealt with being called a man because he didn't know there was truly anything else to be called.

He dealt with it until now. The past week had been rough for Egon, for no real reason other than his thoughts. It started when someone had dropped by the book store while Egon was downstairs. It was an older man, probably in his late sixties. He had seen the pride flag hanging up inside the store and decided it was his place to rant and rave about how homosexuality would bring the end of the world as we knew it. Ray did what he could to shoo the man out, but not before Egon heard him yelling about "the damned transexuals and their agenda." 

Egon knew what being transgender was. He had read about it in old history books, following the history of ancient civilizations where gender didn't matter very much. He had seen transgender people in the events that Ray would often encourage him to come along to. He had never considered himself to be a part of the group because he didn't even know there was a name for it before any of that. But after hearing the man from the store scream and yell, something suddenly clicked. Feelings came rushing back in wave upon overlapping wave. The overwhelming sensation pushed him up the stairs and into the safety of his and Ray's bedroom. That night, he curled up under the covers, a bit more distant from his partner, who had already fallen asleep.

Throughout the week, he remained distant as he fought through all of his thoughts, all of his doubts. During the day, he ran off to the local library for more research on gender studies and how it worked. There, he had come across the term non-binary. It was totally new to him. Someone who was not male or female. Egon felt overwhelmed again. Was this it? Was this exactly what he had been feeling? He felt a bit faint.

That week, he didn't talk much. Egon knew Ray was worried about him, but he didn't even know how to begin to explain what he felt to Ray. Which brought him back to the present. His breathing was shallow as he played with the small metal toy Ray had made him from some bike chain and a couple key rings. His hands trembled as he began realizing he couldn't keep hiding from Ray. He would be a liar to not tell him, which scared him. He would never willingly lie to Ray. The idea was too ludicrous to even consider at the moment.

The door was mocking him. It stood, tall and mighty, barring him from seeing his partner. Egon saw it as a wall unable to be torn down until his body finally took the steps to approach. Egon barely had control of himself as he reached forward and pulled open the door. It creaked as it usually did, bringing Ray's attention from the cartoon playing quietly on their old television to his partner, who stood in the doorframe looking as pale as a sheet.

"Egon? Christ.. are you alright?" He cocked his head and slowly stood up to come closer, but Egon flinched as he did. Ray stepped back, knowing to give him room. 

Egon was trying to control his breathing like his doctor had told him when he was younger. He stared a bit past Ray's head and cleared his throat. "Ray?" His voice cracked and he mentally scolded himself. "I think I need to discuss something with you." His feet carried him to the couch and brought him to sit, a good distance between himself and Ray, who had sat back down himself.

Ray offered his small, supportive smile, the one that Egon loved so dearly. "What is it Egie?" He crossed his hands on his lap. "Talk to me. You've been worrying me this week." He spoke in a sweet tone, but was careful not to reach out physically unless Egon showed him he could.

"I know this." Egon cleared his throat as he looked down at the toy in his hand. "I'm just... I'm afraid." Ray never knew Egon to truly admit when he was afraid. This was a first.

Ray's brow furrowed and he held out his hand in a slow gesture, to which Egon nodded and took it in his free one. "Egon, what is it?" He asked, still sounding very warm.

Egon's eyes shut slowly and he took a deep breath. "I have been thinking. About myself recently. And I believe that I'm not.. what I thought myself to be. I've also been researching." He added, to which Ray gave him a small, encouraging nod. "Ray, I don't think I can... fully identify myself as a man." He spoke softly as Ray gave a comforting squeeze to his hand. "I realize now that I have been struggling with my own gender since childhood, but I ignored it. I don't feel that I belong in.. either the male or female category." His voice was wavering.

"Non-binary." Ray said simply, with a smile on his lips. "Is that what you're trying to say, Egie?" He asked, to which Egon gave a very small nod.

"Non-binary. If you don't want to.. continue our relationship because of this, I understand. I'm not what you thought I was and-" Egon was quickly cut off by a scoff.

Ray looked shocked at the mere thought. "Egon, you're still my lovely partner, my soulmate practically.. I don't care if you aren't a man or a woman. That doesn't change my love for you. And as long as you're comfortable being with me, I'll be here." He said firmly. Egon felt his fear slowly decompress and a very small smile traced his lips. "And whatever you decide is right for you to identify as or go by, I'll support it till the very end."

Egon looked up at him finally and nodded. "Thank you, Ray." He managed to get out, his voice sounding a bit strained with emotion. "I'm not.. sure where I fall yet. But I will tell you when I am." He smiled wider and Ray could notice tears of relief and joy glassing over his lover's eyes.

Ray gave him a huge smile and cupped his cheek, wiping away a tear that fell with one hand. "Of course. Now, if you want to join me, Garfield is on." He giggled and Egon responded with a sniffle and a playful eye roll.

"Fine. But only because I love you, Stantz." He leaned against his shoulder and turned to the television, feeling more comfortable in himself than he had in his entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> my headcanon is that egon is nonbinary, masculine leaning! he uses he/they pronouns. he doesnt really identify with any nonbinary identity like agender, he just kind of.. is. and he! is! valid!


End file.
